Late Miss USA 2019 Cheslie Kryst opened up about her mental health battles in a heartbreaking memoir which was released posthumously.
The pageant world was left stunned in January 2022 when it was reported that the 30-year-old fell to her death from the 29th floor of her apartment building in NYC, three years after she became the oldest woman to ever earn the Miss USA title.
Her passing was later confirmed in a statement by her family, who said of Kryst: "Her great light was one that inspired others around the world with her beauty and strength. She cared, she loved, she laughed, and she shined," per the New York Post.
“Cheslie embodied love and served others, whether through her work as an attorney fighting for social justice, as Miss USA, and as a host on EXTRA,” they continued. “But most importantly as a daughter, sister, friend, mentor, and colleague - we know her impact will live on.”
Just before she passed away, Kryst left her mother, April Simpkins, a note asking her to fulfill a final wish: help get the book she'd been writing published.
In her memoir, titled By the Time You Read This, she recounted fighting an "unshakable feeling that she did not belong" and an "inner voice" that repeatedly told her she was "never enough," as cited by PEOPLE.
She penned that her "long-standing insecurities" heightened after she was crowned as Miss USA - due to the ruthless reaction from the public.
"All of this only added to my long-standing insecurities - the feeling that everyone around me knew more than I did, that everyone else was better at my job, and that I didn’t deserve this title," she wrote. "People would soon find out I was a fraud. I felt like an imposter, but not just in pageants."
In the book, Simpkins, a former pageant winner herself, shared the heartwrenching text message that her daughter sent her on the day that she took her own life.
"I’m sorry. By the time you get this, I won’t be alive anymore, and it makes me even more sad to write this because I know it will hurt you the most," the text read.
"My brain couldn’t register the words on the screen," the mom wrote of receiving the earth-shattering message. "I read them again and screamed from a place in my soul that I didn’t know existed."
The 56-year-old praised her daughter for "finding a way to smile, love, and give" despite her mental health trying to constantly "rob her of joy with near-constant headaches, loneliness, hopelessness, sadness, and a feeling of unworthiness".
She also said Kryst's decision to end her life was "not an emotion-fueled, spontaneous decision." adding: "She felt unimaginable pain and needed that pain to stop. Every day she’d fought persistent depression until she couldn’t fight anymore."
Simpkins, who has become a mental health advocate and an ambassador for the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), has opened up about the importance of releasing her beloved daughter's book.
"I knew it was important to share this," she told PEOPLE. "I knew there are other people who felt what I was feeling and could relate."
By The Time You Read This: The Space Between Cheslie's Smile And Mental Illness, is out April 23.
Proceeds from the book will go toward the Cheslie C. Kryst Foundation, which supports mental health programs for youth and young adults.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org.
